When the night comes, where do we go?

 Do you feel lonely sometimes? Do you feel empty after getting home from work? I do. Though having stayed in America for over 6 years, graduated, and working full-time at the moment, I still feel that I am missing something. I think it's a desire to feel close, intimate or understood, those feelings we usually get from a family. But what if I dont feel that way about my family?

 I haven't been back to Vietnam for 5 years now and its image has been slowly fading away, amid fractured recollection of my parents and my friends. I can't recall the taste of street food I used to have anymore. They all seem so detached and far-fetched now. Before I come here, I would say I am pretty proud of being nurtured under the roof of a happy family. Despite occassional fights between my mom and my dad, they always take care of me and my sister and want the best for us. However, since the day I left Vietnam, an important piece in my mom's heart is torn apart somehow.

 She changed. She went into this crazy frenzy of making money and some of the things she did might not be illegal. I would never know though because she never told us. Frankly speaking, I couldn't realize the woman who I used to put on pedestal  and respect with all my heart. Money changes people. I get that and I have seen so many people willing to do unethical or will I say, out of their characters. My mom was a different case. From this benevolent woman, she has this insatiable desire for money, almost like blood to vampire. She would ask me for mony every singe time I call in the weekend, which admittedly has caused me tremedous amount of stress, since I dont make as much as money as she thinks. Not only stopping there, she has become a ruthless and unforgiven someone that would yell at us, including me, my father, and my sister all the time for no reason. I get that she's under lots of stress to make money, but the thing is, I and my sister, we both have jobs and are financially independent. And whenever I ask, she would say she does it for us, which perplexed me even more. Well now, if you ask me, I just say she is a big-time hypocrite.  Since then, my family has falling apart. Despite my efforts and my sister's to communicate and emphathesize with my mom, she never listens, does nothing but asks for money. And now, with the huge debt she owns to the bank, I dont think I can safely go back to Vietnam, so I am kinda stuck to America now. It sucks since I always want to go back to Vietnam to visit my friends and my family but since the latter does not exist, not to me, sadly, I kinda want to stay here and build a new life.

 I dont know. I dont really know. Lots of the times I ask myself, if that day I dont go to America, if that day I just stay in Vietnam with everything I have, I would have been so much happier. I would stay with my friends and my mom would not have gone so far to the dead end. We used to be joyful. I would say we're not rich but we manage to live with basic necessities. But well, reality is reality. I can't change it. I just sometimes contemplate how I could have lost my lovely family when I am in America. It's such a bummer. I had a hard time processing those emotions for the past month but reflecting now, I am in a better state and the pain is somewhat bearable.

 During my college, I tried so hard to make money and sent back to Vietnam but it was never enough for her and at one point, I realized I was working my ass off thinking oh, I'll do everything for my family, but realistically, just simply so that my mom could spendthrift. As a result, I stop sending. I was so naive and innocent back then. I mean now, I think I get a little better but still, human intentions are tricky and deceitful.

 So I thought to myself, what is the point of me making money? I mean, obviously it's for my future. But other than that, I dont have anything. It's just job and me. Thus, I feel cold and distant lots of the time because I havent found my true purpose yet.  

 But seriously, for lots of people, we go to work and then go home, to our apartment, eating and calling it a day. I am not sure I am alone in this but I feel like I need someone to share things with, not just a roommate but a soulmate. So I guess I am just lonely. I dont mind being alone though. I have lived alone for 2 years now but I think I need some sorts of close relationships. Looks like everybody else trying to date aggressively these days so that kinda pressures me a bit. I have a crush but I am so anxious to express my feelings. I mean I am pretty honest to people but when it comes to crushes and loving matter, it's just so difficult since you dont really know how the other feels about yourself. And if the other person doesnt feel the same way about you, then the relationship between you and that person becomes awkward, especially if you like your colleague or your friend's friend. Yeah, I am just really hesistant to speak up my mind. Well, here in this blog is the only time I say what's on my mind publicly so I do feel better.

 What do you think?