My Present (The Fault In Our Stars - FanFic)

He was struggling, I knew. He was being tormented, I knew. The dreary osteosarcoma had reduced him to a state of immobility. It was the third day since we came back from Amsterdam, and also the third day he was here, in this lifeless hospital. He was dying in such a chilly room where the light seemed so weak to illumine one’s life.

Why do you leave me so soon? Why can’t we enjoy our ephemeral life a little longer? I still had so many things to tell you, and to say I love you(internal thought). Many times, I wished I could be that patient lying on the bed instead of him. I prayed, prayed, and prayed so that he could be with me, yet we appeared to drift apart from each other moment by moment. His exhausted eyes struggled to open, yet the deadly force of cancer drowned them down (action). Would there be some miracles?, I wondered (internal thought). He gave me so much of him that I wanted to give it back to cheer him up even only in a short moment.

Isaac was here, and the only thing we do was to exchange our melancholic look and sigh just in the same way as we did when we first met at that support group. It is quite random but the beginning and the ending usually act in the same way.

It was the fourth day in the hospital and Gus started to have some positive signs: he could open his eyes and utter low-toned words, which was incredible. We now could see each other with smile and happiness. Just like an unforeseeable wonder, Gus eventually recovered though he had lost both of his legs and had to sit in a wheelchair now. The joyfulness came so swiftly that I forgot Gus once said that the world is not a wish-granting factory. Maybe he was fortunate enough to receive this God gift and maybe He heard my prayer.

Whatever, we were getting closer and happier, letting go of those sorrowful days in that gloomy hospital. And you may already predict what is going to happen. We were going to get married. What a great news ! I felt myself so lucky to have him with me to enjoy our times together.

Since the day I felt a little trapped by that charming look, I knew my life was going to change and it did. The way he came to my life was so accidental that I felt a sense of being overwhelmed for having someone to love an introvert like me. I love the way he smiled and whispered to me. His words healed me and brightened my days, even the dark days that seemed never to lighten up.

There we stood on the ornamental platform, meeting each other’s eyes in these beautiful customs. I smiled. He smiled, too. It was kind of indescribable, you know. Now, even though we didn’t say anything, we mutually understood we were going to be ‘together’ for our last remains of time. I love it. I love the way we, without a word, deliberately melt ourselves with our brief bittersweet experiences and romantic love.

Gus: “Be the one with me until the end of my lifetime”

Me: “With absolute willingness”. I didn’t know, yet I somewhat sensed sort of uncertainty in what I said. I didn’t know. I loved him, yet it was hard for me to ascertain. I didn’t know ‘my tomorrow’ and ‘our tomorrow’. That was so unpredictable.

But anyway, the feeling he gave me now was inexpressibly blessing like a hallucination attempting to intoxicate me. My eyes hardly blinked; my used-to-be-pale lip turned into a seemingly ever-lasting smile (physical appearance). The magnificent wedding dress, purely white and soft, clenched my body and held my heart back so that it would not run away (subject). I even found it difficult to balance myself when standing in front of him. I wished this moment had lasted forever, wishing the time was to cease to flow so that we could savor this happiness for good. Nonetheless, life is insensitive sometimes and you never know what is going to happen. Just close your eyes and enjoy the moment when it’s possible.

It was a nice morning to recall these past fragments of happiness. There I was lying on the white bed, chilly and lifeless. I gazed out of the window and saw verdant trees and nourishing flowers with my mopish eyes (action).

Gus was here, dropping his head down for a sporadic nap due to his exhaustion of incessantly watching me since the day I fainted out of the blue when we were strolling on the well-constructed asphalt road and chattering. Ambivalently catching my opening eyes, he pushed himself towards, patting my colorless face and softly whispering into my ear, “I am here. Don’t worry. I will always keep our love alive. I know it hurts tremendously if you were gone, yet it is a privilege to have my heart broken by you.”

I gasped out something, yet it seemed not to break into words. Now, we just gazed at each other.

His tears met mine, and our pain blended into one. Will it be O.K? Will there be any O.K more after all this time? (internal thought)

“It will be”, Gus breathed, seemingly scrutinizing my thoughts through my weeping eyes (dialogue). He was apparently trying to control his immeasurable pain. But, he can’t, and I can’t either.

You are scared of the invisible oblivion, right?, I looked at him, my tears coming out almost uncontrollably. But it seems that I am the one to be afraid of it now. I am sorry for not being able to be on our predetermined path till the end of time. I am sorry for not being able to alleviate your sorrow and share with you the pain because I won’t be here. But I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful for it. You kissed away my pain and saved me through my difficult times. Without you, my heart would turn into a complete isolated box of ice. Thank you for being here, for being with me until you are not able to be anymore. I don’t know what I am going to be, yet I know one certain thing that our love will last forever. It will be a privilege to hold onto it the moment I let out my last breath. I love you, Augustus Waters. (internal thought)

With my last breath, I strived to mutter, “I love you and it’s O.K”. Then, I tried to picture his vivid image in front of me into my mind so that he could not fade away in my heart. I attempted… I can’t… My consciousness was decreasing at a rapid rate, but I couldn’t help it. My vision started to be out of focus. It had become completely vague. I couldn’t reach my breath. I choked. I died...

Appendix: This is an alternate ending of The Fault In Our Stars written by John Green. The main characters, their personalities, and some quotes used in this story are originally created by John Green.