American Dream - Is It Worth It?

This is the first time I reflect to myself after having lived in America for five years.

Let me recount from the first day I stepped my foot on the exotic land of Houston, Texas. It was overwhelming for me as I feel everything is so strange and different. I went through culture shock in my high school in Pennsylvania and had slight symptoms of depression. I thought that would go away when I reunited with my uncle in Corpus Christi, Texas. But things didn't go as planned. It was tough, I am not gonna lie. And this is the very first time I say this in public as I am not scared of being scolded, being judged, and being threatened. I thought my life would have ended so many times living with and depression felt so real to me. I would wake up feeling anxious and pass-aggressive all the time. I probably have a dedicated post for this memoir. Still, I struggled to carry myself through the community college for Mathematics.

My next phase of life continued as I transferred to University of Texas at San Antonio. It was the cheapest option at that time and I thought I could try to study myself. I didnt continue with Math because I thought upper level courses are too theoretical and I didnt choose Mechanical Engineering because the work culture seems not to fit my personality. I like a free lifestyle where I can work from home, travel, and make use of my creativity. So I chose Computer Science, despite the fact that it is my weakest subject in high school. However, the program is pretty bad and I frankly didnt learn much from it. Still, I tried to study from online materials. Now, I major in Computer Science and I am looking for internships. Havent got much luck lately. I feel like I am a failure. Most of the time when I am in class at UTSA, I feel inferior to other students. I dont know why. Up to now, as a senior about to graduate, I only have two years experience of coding. I may blame myself for changing major, you know and may blame for having so little time to practice.

Sometimes, I wish my family was a bit more wealthy so that I didnt have to care that much about finance and money. Since the moment I left high school, all I think and all I care is money. People around me are like that too. They care about material things and not what they love. They hate their job but still work from 9am to 9pm everyday just to buy a house. That mindset seems to instill into my mind as I have been around them. My mom is like that too. She was always like I should concentrate on my school and not work much but she expects so much from me. Paying off remaining debt of my previous tuition and paying for every else. Tuition fee is not cheap for internatonal students and living here in USA is definitely not cheap. How can I do that? I work my a** off everyday from morning to evening. I got burnt out so much to the point I finally cracked and have to ask for help. But who? Who? No one! No one's there. My parents, heck no, they have been borrowing too much money from the bank and if anything, they want me to send money back for them. My friends, too busy lah. My current boss does not want me to take off even they know I only have five months left in America if I could not find a software engineering or data science job. They only want the money I have been and will generate for them.

I get torn because the boss was so nice and helpful to me but again, I find myself in a dilenma. If I dont care for myself, I probably end up going back to Vietnam, starting a new life. The thing is I dont know what to do to build a professional career and how to do that within 5 months. It sucks. I started to practice a little on Leetcode and started a few projects. But it gets all over the place and I dont know where to head for. My resume is not that impressive and outstanding enough for the companies to hire me. Sometimes I wish I would stay at Math or Engineering. I probably wouldnt have to suffer like this. Maybe I wasnt meant to build my career here in America. That's the question I often ask myself too. Why do people always want to move to America? I thought it is a haven for freedom but it was not the case for me, to say the least. Often times, I wonder why and how did I manage to put myself into this situation. I should have grown my skills over there in Vietnam and move to any part of the world I love whenever I meet the financial requirements. It sucks. I know and I have this sensation that I am always on the pressure of doing the right thing when I am in America or else I would be deported back. That results in my perpeptual anxiety and constant need of engaging into something I deem useful. As a result, you can probably guess, I always appear as stressful and I could barely think straight. It sucks and it's sad too. Looking at my friends, they are not like that. They're so carefree and just enjoy their life. For me, I feel like a frog slowly boiled in a pot. Sometimes, I think because people keep taking advantage of me and stealing me of my limited time, which is solvable as I could end the relationship and walk away anytime. But I always choose to keep the toxic relationship. I dont know what to do anymore. If oneday, you see me posting happy blogs, that probably means I finally go back to Vietnam and start my new life. It's probably hard but at least, I can live in my house and dont need to think much about all the financial and relationship pressure I face in America.

And that was my first official blog! Thank for reading! I would love to hear what you think about my experience and I would be all ears to hear your story as well!

Have a good day!

John Le